NOOOOOOObody expects the Spanish inquisition

Standard

   Well … torture is in the news again. Zero dark thirty and Argo are sparking coversations arguments and irrational babbling from talking heads all over the blogosphere. Torture has been around since man has had the ability to think…which is about the time we discovered cruelty and intimidation was a means to get something we want without having to work for it.

    Bamboo under fingernails, waterboarding, jumper cables to the testicles all pale in comparison to the horrifying diabolicle scurge on humanity I have come up with. This will revolutionize torture and convince terrorists to admit to anything anytime. I call it A.P.T…..I discovered it in the shower last night. Simply cook up a batch of asperagus smothered in garlic…wait a few hours..pee into a cup and shove that mother under the bad guys nose…he’ll admit to fuckin Allah up the ass…just get that smell away. Yes the asperagus piss treatment will render even the most hardened and evil character helpless senseless and sniveling for mercy.

  It’s also very important that torture is individualized. Hell you could beat me whip me and give me a jalapeno enema and I wouldnt tell you where I hid the weed. But make me watch five minutes of  an obese sweaty rightwing biggot drool on about liberals and I’ll admit my sweet old mother fucked Jimmy Hoffa to death and fed his rotting flesh to her poodle Mezeppa…..just sayin

You smell like ass

Standard
You smell like ass

  I hear this all the time. But I need some clarification. Exactly what kind of ass do I smell like? A long-eared, slow, patient, sure-footed domesticated mammal, Equus asinus, related to the horse, used chiefly as a beast of burden ? Or are you referring to the buttocks,rectum,butt,badonkadonk,booty,bum,fanny,keister,pooper pressed ham,trunk,tucus,toosh,whoopie cakes,arse,rump,or gluteus maximus?

  And if it’s the latter then specifically whose ass does my aroma remind you of ?  I mean are we talkin Milla Jovovich’s ass,  or Rosie O’Donnell’s ass? Because I am quite sure one of these smell like fresh lavender and rainbows and the other smells like a pile of  week old chicken guts rotting in the sun….just sayin…..

vote…bitch

Standard

I try to find humour in everything I see. The political climate in this great country is not  overly conducive  to that. I miss politicians who voted for their constituents, who wanted to help everyone…you know …the mavericks. John McCain was a maverick….but now he’s a limerick.

There once was a man named McCain

At least he never worked for Bane

His campaign was failin

So he chose Palin

Now he’ll never be taken seriously again

Body Language

Standard

ImageArm swing_ unconscious wish to walk away

Crossed arms_ defensiveness or boredom

Eyebrow lowered_ disagreement doubt uncertainty

Eyebrow raised_ disbelief surprise exasperation

One long eyebrow_ deevolutionary neanderthal fucktard

Raising a finger_ polite way of interrupting

Raising middle finger_ polite way of saying go fuck yourself

Averting eyes_ uncomfortable or guilty

Poking out eyes_ you are one butt ugly motherfucker

Hands on hips “akimbo”_ body is prepared to take steps to perform take charge

Hands on hips “give em a push” _you’ll be surprised you’re doing the french mistake

Hands behind head_ conflict disagreement anger frustration

Hands around an others throat_ final conflict

Head tilt sideways_ flirting friendly

Head tilt sideways arm holding invisible rope_ would rather die then listen to another second of your mindless trivial bullshit

Covering the mouth (talking through hands)_ uncertainty lack of knowledge or a vain attempt at keeping your coworkers from knowing about the penis you had for lunch

Eyes bulging tongue protruding head twisting violently_  electrodes attached from car battery to testicles