IDEA # 1….We have natural grain cereals, whole grain cereals….. I wanna market wood grain cereal . It will be cheap to produce…just sweep up sawdust from a woodshop floor, add a buttload of sugar and pour several colors of watered down acrylic paint on it….the kids will love it! And since it’s got the word grain in it old people will eat it thinking it will make them poop…sure they might shit multicolored building blocks…but hey…the kids win again!
Poot…. “I wanna live in a storage unit”…me: why?…poot: cos if a cute lady wants to hook up with me and says where do you live?…I can say…”Stow and Go!!..cheap rent and nice appliances”
I have a friend named Poot. He gave me a list titeled “Poots list on how to be a moron”….here is the first installment:
1…Buy a condom that’s small and ask them if they have one in triple small. 2…Go and talk to a car dealer and ask if he will accept food stamps for the BMW. 3…Go into a public restroom and shit in the urinal. 4…Go into public and mess your pants….4a….mess your pants in public. 5….If a hot female wants a one night stand with you, tell her you can’t stand all night but you can do 2 hour intervals with a 15 minute break in between. 6…Get a good sized loan from the mafia and come back to them and offer them monopoly money. 7… if you are in an elevator surrounded by high society….let a silent one loose and scream which one of you all did that?….there are more but but to many moronisms at once might be dangerous.
So after six years I have terminated my World of Warcraft account. Talk about life changing catastrophic events. Yes, I quit once before but relapsed within a couple of months. My clicking finger is itching. I have a microchip monkey on my back. Just the thought of quitting gives me the Wrash of the Itch King causing a Burning Crusade in my Twisting Nethers. Is there a twelve step program? Azerothians Anonymous?
I told myself this would be good. I would start a blog. Build a website, shave, shower, get a tan, maybe even have sex again. I could ask my wife if she’d let me play with her battle chest. But would she be willing to make whoopy with a seven foot tall female nightelf warrior? OMG!! I just realised I’ve traded in a flying albino drake for a rust brown 79 chevy truck with two flat tires! This reality thing is going to be hard. There are no addons for social interaction.
I need to find things to accomplish during my normal four hours a day gaming time. Perchance I can epic out our kitchenware or take a vacation…..Where’s the portal to Las Vegas? I’m attempting to replace the Auction House in Stormwind with Ebay. But baseball cards are way harder to sell than ….”The Immaculate Sword of Conception”. And you have to go to something called a “post office”?!?…WTF?
Out here in RL people keep calling me Daryl! My name is Krimzonblade bitch! I miss my friends, it’s just way cooler hanging out with Corruptus and Darkwitch than Steve and Bob. I will admit I don’t miss battlegrounds as much as I thought I would. Shopping in Wal-mart is very similar, trolls and undead in every aisle. And while I was there I bought a tier eleven “Blood Soaked Sawzall of Death”!
I guess I can comfort myself with other similarities I’m finding while AFK. My pit lord of a boss for one thing. I’m told sometime in the last six years our dogs Bonnie and Clyde died and they have been replaced by two Firelands Hellhounds. And my children have moved out of the house and return now and then with these funny little hairless dwarfs. Apparently 1% did something horrible to 99%. Steven Tyler has resurrected as a blood elf and went from rock god to a game show judge. Damn….he went down faster than a two gold hooker at the Darkmoon Faire.
And did you hear? We have a new president and he’s black !?!…..WOW
Don’t you hate it when people say they are sitting on the fence? What?..do they have some sorta anal fixation?…are there miles of white picket fences somewhere with brown tips? Are we talking wood slat , chain link, barbed wire…these assholes must have good balance. Don’t sit on an electric fence! I haven’t, but I did pee on one once…my nads crawl up in me like a frightened snail when I think about it. They say good fences make good neighbors….. Not if the bastards are setting on it!!!
And when the man of great wealth came to the Hall of the Stereophonic Light, he fell weakly to his knees and cried pitifully to the High Council. ” Lords, you must spare me, for I have labored endlessly my entire life. My beautiful young wife is the envy of all and my two wonderful children grow more famous and influential with each passing moon. But far and above all else I am extremly rich and powerful and through my skillful craft and cunning can secure a personal Heaven for each and every one of you.”
” Friend fat and powerful,” came the reply. “You have indeed acquired much in your pseudo happy state of reality. But when you beg for the key to the final door it is not the materialistic garbage you own that you are judged by, but rather by how many innocent lives you destroyed on your journey.”
And the gates of Hell burst open and the wealthy mans existence was extinguished like pissing on a match…………..
the world according to weston
keep everyones expectations of you low and you’ll never disappoint them
opinions are like assholes…everyone has one and they all stink but mine…(apologies to anyone who has had a horrific accident which subsequently left them sans an asshole )
if life gives you lemons make lemonaid…if life gives you bullshit use it for fertilizer…if life gives you a big penis….i hate you
live and love like every moment is your last (but don’t get caught..just in case it’s not)
a penny saved is a penny earned…a penny for your thoughts…he’s a bad penny….Penny took my virginity and she’s a cruel heartless backstabbin dick suckin cunt
honesty is the best policy (but lieing can get you laid)
take the road less traveled…(but stay the fuck outta my way)
you can’t take it with you…..(unless you put it in a balloon swallow it and put a cork up your ass so you don’t shit it out when you die)
a bird in the hand is an awful mess
a friend in need …is a pain in the ass
home is where the heart is….(the mind is at the strip bar)
a stranger is a friend i haven’t met yet …( or a potential rape victim)
if anything i have said offends you….fuck you if you can’t take a joke